From the #writingpromptchallenge. This week, the prompt wasn’t a set of cards. It was the picture below! I double dog dare you to write your own prompt based on this.
Zork and Pam paced the floor of their apartment aboard their mothership cruiser, the Rim Hopper, waiting on their son to return home from class. Today’s lesson was a milestone in a young Xenarian’s life…the human abduction and follow-up anal probe. It’s something that the Xenarian’s had been doing for over two hundred years.
Of course they study the burgeoning primate for biology class, but the probe was somewhat of a practical joke and an unfortunate necessity. They saved the probe for last because it was the last part that the human primates sometimes remembered over the other medical procedures. With the silly arse fetishes on the planet, people would just assume the abductees were having a sex dream if they remembered the event at all.
The lesson: borrow your parent’s spacecraft and pick up an Earthling, gas them for unconsciousness, disrobe them, dip them in the clear morphian glaze for the medical procedure. Then probe them, then drop them back off as they wake up and wipe their memory of the event with the new Cranium Warp 9000, the latest tech that was 97% effective at erasing all memory of the event.
“What is taking them so long?” Zork asked nervously as he went back and forth.
“Are you more worried about his project or about your spaceship?” Pam asked.
“A good bit of both. But I remember my first abduction. It went off the rails as soon as we came out of warp speed and approached Earth. I thought the place was beautiful and wanted to come back for vacation, but after screwing up the abduction and getting laughed at by all my friends I was afraid of going back to that planet until well after school. It wasn’t until we vacationed on a Disney Cruise that I felt comfortable again.”
“What happened?”
“I bounced the ship off of a military aircraft somewhere over Russia. The unfortunate American flying the spy plane crashed and got caught. That caused and international incident that almost led to nuclear war. I was mortified. On top of that, the woman I abducted from the place they call Greece started to come out of unconsciousness right as I started the probe. Apparently they love that stuff in Greece. I didn’t study the list of where to not abduct humans from, and Greece was apparently on that list. The woman writhed about moaning and calling me daddy, which I thought was very inappropriate. She got rough with me and scratched my chest up pretty bad during the procedure. I had to rush the class project and accidentally dropped her off outside of the Vatican, a serious holy place for the humans and a big time no-no for us to operate near. It was a disaster. I failed and had to re-do the class project a week later with my dad supervising.”
Pam laughed at the experience but wasn’t about to share her first time. Besides, she listened as Zork explained too many times the rules of abductions and some helpful advice. It probably went as smooth as any first time abduction could possibly go.
Just as she was about to calm his nerves the front portal opened and their son walked it with his head hung low.
“That doesn’t look good,” she whispered to Zork. “Go easy on him or I’ll tell him the story you just told me,” she said with a hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth.
“Sit,” the father commanded. “Tell me what happened. Did you pass?”
“I passed, but just barely. And I was told I should never be unsupervised during an abduction as long as I live, however long that is,” Trig said.
“I did just what you said to do, dad. I stayed away from populated areas. In fact, I cruised low in one of those national parks in America. Not many people were there at night. Just the hikers and campers. I used the heat sensing detectors to pick up on the primate and then beamed them right up into the entrance room and waited until the gas kicked in for them to pass out.”
“You blinded them with the light first, right? That’s a classic move. They tell that story all the time about the bright lights. Confuses the doubters and skeptics.”
“Oh yeah! I hit the big freak with the brights before we sucked him up into the ship. That’s when all hell broke loose.”
“Wait a minute…you didn’t pick one up after eating Indian food did you? Or Taco Bell?”
“I don’t know what that dude ate, dad. The mess!!!”
He wiped a tear away before telling the rest of the story. They came in undetected by human radar in the night away from population centers. As he and his lab partner hovered over the trees in the darkness they picked up the heat signature. It was a man, as best they could tell, walking upright. They consulted their hologram books to make sure it wasn’t a bear or something as equally nasty. The walk was certainly human like and it had the outline of a human. A big one!”
“This is it, Roger,” Trig said with excitement. They blasted the man with the lights and then pulled him into the ship’s chamber and dosed him with gas. He didn’t go down, though. The big thug just kept slamming the walls. It rocked the ship in its gravitational hover and Trig had to grab the controls to keep the ship from going down. A crashed alien ship on that planet was the last thing they needed. They had not had a student crash land during a school project since the Roswell Incident. It was just as famous on their planet as it was on Earth!
“Gas him again! Give him all we’ve got!! Put that dude down!”
After ten minutes of thrashing about the hair freak collapsed. It took two anti-gravitational wands to levitate the thing onto an exam table. They quickly took all the measurements and readings that was required for their project and finally came to the moment they both dreaded. Not because they were afraid to apply the probe. They were afraid the man would wake up. To be on the safe side they put a gas mask on the hairy freak and kept it on until they were ready to dump him back in the park.
That’s when Trig carefully inserted the lube and the probe. A rumbling came from the stomach of the man and the probe shot out of his ass like a missile. It flew out at such a force and speed that it stuck into the ceiling over the exam table. That’s when the dude’s ass erupted like a volcano in Halifax Belt. The stench of the exam room made both of them barf, and they didn’t even know that was possible! They had never heard of a Xenarian vomiting before. This might be a first. The pristine white walls were no longer white. They were splattered with goo from the ass of the hairy human. Trig grabbed the controls of the ship and dropped the big fella off by the lake near some campers. He was clever enough to put the ship into invisible mode. All the campers saw was the big guy dropping about ten feet out of thin air and onto the ground.
“That’s when we got out of there in a hurry, dad. That was the strangest human. Looked a lot different from the pictures in the hologram books and your memory albums.”
“What the…” Zork was speechless.
“But my ship,” he finally said.
“It will be alright. I dropped it off for decontamination. They said to give them a couple of days, though. They weren’t expecting a mess like that.”
“The human, son,” Pam interrupted. “Did you get a picture of this strange man?”
“Sure did, mom!” Trip whipped out the photo Roger took of him and the man just before he inserted the probe.
“Oh no!” Zork said. “Son, that’s not a human. That’s a Sasquatch. We have a non aggression pact with their race. I’m sure the Goodwill Committee will hear about this. Those hairy bastards hold a grudge.”